Why I Will Never Have a Hot Girl Summer

If this spring taught me anything it’s that I am anything but casual. And oh my goodness I wanted to be able to be the queen of casual so bad. I’d been looking forward to hot girl summer, but after putting myself back out there this spring I realized with my whole body, mind, and spirit that I am not built to be a casual girl

I am built to be a lover girl. After all, if you’ve been here from the start you know I'm a hopeless romantic who grew up reading books where the impossible relationships turn into a fairytale. So no matter how hard I try, I cannot even be casual for one night, because all of a sudden I have dreamed up a little fairy tale.

Then as the next week or two passes that fairytale dies as we return to strangers. Nothing is ever casual about those nights though. That’s what frustrates me the most. You’ll have deep conversations about your wildest dreams and worst traumas. They’ll hold you and kiss you on that little spot on your shoulder. They’ll even walk you to your car and before you’ve left they’ll have mentioned something about a “next time”. Why is it that that next time never comes? Why is it that all those little intimacies were shared with no intention of ever seeing each other again?

I am not casual, and that is okay. I desire passion and commitment and true intimacy. None of this crap we as a society have created and conditioned ourselves to accept. No more. I've learned that I’d rather be alone that continue to feel alone after casual nothings. So now I am honoring my authentic self. My delusions drive me insane, so I'll turn back to my books instead and let my delusions simmer in those stories. Someday I'll find someone who respects me enough to build that fairytale. Until then I will continue to work on myself, grow my unconditional self love, and enjoy my alone time. I have found I quite enjoy this season of singleness so it'd take someone really special to make me want to share this time with them.