I Never Beg People to Stay, but Sometimes I Wish They Would

For the first in my life I found myself reading a book and thinking “This is totally unrealistic. Relationships never play out this way.” In the book, the main character runs off to get space from the man in the book and he runs after her. He fights for her. Basically the plot of every romance book and movie ever. That’s why i’m a sucker for them… because i’ve always wanted someone to fight for me. To chase after me.

This book caused me to realize it’s hard to let people go because if I let go and they never come running back or fight for me then that means I wasn’t worth it. That my efforts were all for nothing and i’m not someone who could change them. I couldn’t be loved no matter how hard I tried.

This realization was a total gut punch. Am I unworthy? Am I unloveable? The answer is no. I’m just searching for my validation from external sources. And I do this in every relationship. My friend didn’t take my side? They don’t care about our friendship. My mom doesn’t want to put in the effort to work on herself for the sake of our relationship? She doesn’t love me enough. My aunt is projecting her expectations onto me and I don’t want to live up to them? Oh no, she won’t accept me.

I’ve been living for everyone’s opinions and validation. Trying to control what I have absolutely no control of. I can’t control if a man fights for me. If he chases after me and does everything in his power to keep me. Maybe he doesn’t have the capacity to love. Maybe he is so broken he thinks he doesn’t deserve to be healed by your kindness. Maybe he just doesn’t care. And that’s brutal but that doesn’t mean you are any less worthy. Because why would you want to be with a man who doesn’t see your value? Or with a man who sees your value but chooses not to rise higher to meet it?

You are inherently worthy of love. Unconditional love. And someday I will meet someone who loves me to that boundless extent. Someone who sees my worth and fights like hell to keep me around because they don’t want to experience life without me.

I never beg people to stay. I do have enough self love and self respect to know when to let go of someone. But sometimes I wish they would stay. I’m ready to find the person who stays through it all, because to them i’m worth it<3