There will forever be a part of you in me

I started this blog almost four years ago now with the intention of documenting every step of the way through a decade in my life. All of the victories, the closed doors, the big moments, and even the mundane months that barely could spark any inspiration from me. I have to say, that this year was anything but mundane. This year turned my life upside down. I said goodbye to a big chapter in my life and a few people too. I also welcomed many beautiful opportunities into my life and made it out the other end happy and healed. Here's to 2023 and all it did for me.

First off I said goodbye to college. Graduating in May was surreal. Where did the time go? One moment we were freshman struggling to enjoy our college years in a pandemic and then the next we're throwing our caps into the sky and entering the real world. It felt odd to finally close the chapter on school. My whole life I strived to be an excellent student in order to get into college and recieve scholarships. Then I got to college and continued to strive for academic excellence. My whole life I held the identity of a student. I have recently come to realize that that identity does not have to just be confined to the four walls of a classroom. I am a lifelong student and will continue to learn from my experiences around the world.

This year also had me saying goodbye to people that have been important characters in my story. They've been through many chapters with me. My two bestfriends in the whole world are now strangers.

Isn't it odd how someone can know everything about you and then nothing at all? How they went through your awkward phases with you in middle school and high school and then you both blossomed together in college. You were there for each other in your darkest days.

Like that time we were depressed in junior year of high school and we'd listen to lil peep on repeat in my car.

Or that time we got our hearts broken by summer flings but you wouldn't admit that you were actually affected by it because boys weren't worth crying over.

You can have a bestfriend that makes long distance feel like nothing especially when you make the effort to see each other. Again, someone who you share everything with, and stay up for hours talking about boys with, and dreaming about our futures. Someone you made it through thick and thin with. Now you don't even speak.

There came a point where our friendship was overdue. It had gone as far as it could. Because somewhere along the line one of us changed, while the other stayed behind. And at some point we outgrew the friendship. We outgrew the bond that was created when we were kids, because as adults that bond had worn thin. This year it snapped.

And so now I can view your life from the outside. Sending you love from afar, because even if we can no longer be friends I still hold a place for you in my heart. There will be bits and pieces of you in me always. Even though you're gone, your mannerisms stay with me. I find myself doing little things that you used to do and it makes me realize how big of an impact certain people play in your life. So no matter where you are in the world and what you become, you'll always be with me because you helped shape me.

The same goes for my other bestfriend. It's crazy how the universe can close out chapters of your life and in one singular year take out two of the most important people in your life. By bestfriend, I also refer to the intimacy of having a boyfriend. You were my bestfriend. Here from the start of college till the end. From strangers to lovers to strangers again. You knew me probably deeper than anyone had before. And I am forever grateful for the time we had together. Again, this relationship was overdue. At the end of the day, the universe will take certain people out of your life if you are not allowing each other to grow and become the people you are meant to be. Sometimes we hold on so tightly to someone because we are afraid of what will be left of ourselves if we let go. Sometimes we get so comfortable in the routine of what your relationship has become that we fear stepping outside of that comfort zone. Especially if that person feels like home, why would you want to tear that down?

Maybe because you need to rediscover yourself and realize that you are your own safe space. And so again, I can be grateful that a part of you will forever live inside of me. You helped me become a better person and no matter where life takes us I pray that you accomplish all of your dreams and get everything you always deserved. Thank you for showing me how I deserve to be loved and in your absense teaching me how I need to open up to recieving love. I hope that someday you also can acknowledge that the breakup was also to free you, so that you could find yourself as well.

When I walked away, I went on a journey of self discovery. That was my biggest takeaway of this year. It sounds so corny and "Eat, Pray, Love" coded, but when I left for Europe I truly found myself again. Sometimes we invest ourselves into relationships so deeply that somewhere between the arguments and the obsession and the love and pain we lose ourselves. At some point in the last three years I had lost myself.

Slowly as I had the most amazing experiences in Europe I started to feel like myself again. I got my spark back... I wasn't so closed off anymore and pessimistic. Along my journey of self discovery I also began a journey of healing. I learned to forgive so many people in my life that I had held resentment for. I realized that holding grudges was poisonous and overall immature. I tuned into nature and connected with the universe in ways I had not before. One of the biggest lessons to learn was :

Nothing ever happens to you, only for you.

Once I digested this my whole perspective on the world changed and I was able to accept the fact that all the closed doors from this year and chapters being brought to a close happened for me, not to me. These massive shifts helped me move on to the next chapter of my life and unlocked new characters on my timeline. It also brought to the forefront people who I hadn't connected with in a while. Like the invisible string theory basically says, certain people were brought back into my life because now I am at a point in my life where I am ready for that connection. I am ready for these friendships. I am also so excited to for all of the new friendships brought into my life.

Change is terrifying. But you will continue to repeat the same lessons and live the same miserable life until you decide to change. As soon as you do, the universe will reward you with everything you have ever wanted. Growth requires change. Leveling up requires change. This year was filled with change and growth. I am forever grateful for all the lessons, tears, victories, healing moments, beautiful connections, and laughs that 2023 provided me.

Maybe someday a character I said goodbye to will have a surprise appearance in a future chapter. Or maybe they remain in the past. Only time and this blog will tell... As for now, 2024 I am sooooo ready to see what you have in store. I have a feeling I will not have another mundane year. Universe, you can bring it on, because if I can survive this year I can survive anything. I have a feeling the changes coming will be even greater than I can even imagine for myself.