Everything Left Unsaid

Last month I wrote a piece about Valentine's Day and doing long distance. I meant to go back and make a small edit saying that, last minute, plans changed and it was no longer a long distance celebration. I got to spend it with the person I loved. Little did I know things would completely turn around over the course of the following week.

Now I've spent the past month adjusting to life without them in it. And to this day my heart continues to break. From having new revelations and hearing things from third parties and then seeing how the person I thought I knew and loved so much could show their true colors... I have felt so lost.

I don't understand how I could love someone so innocently. So purely. And how I could believe they had the best intentions and loved me back. Only to watch them turn cold and not fight for me or us. I saw a whole future. He was the one standing at the end of the aisle. He was the one holding my hand as I gave birth. He was the one who I grew old with. But that was all made up. It was the potential.

At some point I knew I had to choose myself. I could not build a life with someone who lacked the ability to show up for me emotionally, give me reassurance, and not be driven by lust. I have come to realize for the first time that lust ruins love. It is a force driven by the devil to keep from union. That leads me to wonder if he ever did love me. What was real?

Logically I know I could never go back to a relationship like this. There will always be doubts and I'll never get answers or closure to certain questions. He never would've been able to give me the future I deserve. Some people choose to never work on their issues and heal. So they continue to repeat these patterns and hurt more people. I say all this to also be real and say I do still miss him. The version of him he was in the beginning before the mask fell and I saw the real him.

I now desire more than anything to just move on. After my last breakup I went on a whole healing journey because I didn't know who I was. This time I feel like I don't need to do all of that. I just need to sit in this discomfort and grieve this. But that process is uncomfortable and now I see why some people choose to jump into other relationships quickly after their breakups. They cannot bear to sit in this feeling of unease and let it pass. They choose to put a bandaid over it but that creates a new cycle of hurt. So I'm choosing not to do that.

I also know myself and know that hookup culture isn't for me. So I will ride out this wave and someday put myself back out there to hopefully find my person. Someone who sees me and chooses me and prioritizes me and fights for me.

Now for him if he ever reads this...

I did go back to the place where we fell in love. I revisited it, and came to a place of peace and understanding that the love I gave you was not a waste. You really needed it. So I am not angry about that. I wish you didn't have to be another lesson but at the same time I am so grateful that you were the person who taught me to love again after years of not feeling that towards someone romantically, and not knowing if I ever could again. So thank you. I appreciated everything you did for me and hope someday you can break your cycle.