Does it get better?

This week I turned 23 and the impending doom of an existential crisis hit once again. I feel like I am free falling through space with nothing to catch me from crashing and burning back to Earth. On the one hand nothing feels real and I am in a state of dissociation, and yet on the other hand everything feels too real.

I am once again met with thoughts of "What am I doing with my life?" Since graduating college, I have pursued my passion of content creation on TikTok. I post my silly little videos in hopes that someday I can make enough money to live off of them. I'm proud to say that I've finally reached the point in my journey where I am sent free PR packages and make some money off of TikTok. I am also at a point in my journey though where I doubt if I am actually making an impact in this world, and if there is no impact being made, then what is the point?? I may choose to take a step away from social media and finally pursue the monotonous (yet safe) lifestyle of a corporate 9-5. Or I'll finally pursue becoming a personal trainer. I still have no clue what I want to do.

This summer I am leaving for another world wide trip. I am thinking it'll be the last of its kind. Because although travel has been a big part of my identity for so long, and it will continue to be a part, I find myself craving the stability of a home and having a community. I am looking into moving away from LA once I come back at the end of summer and probably heading towards San Diego. Once I get there hopefully I can figure out what I want to do for a career, because I cannot fathom doing food service for much longer.

23 is that awkward year where you feel like everything should already be figured out but its not and you have no clue how to figure it out. It's like your parents dropped you off on the side of the road and told you to figure out how to get home. I am figuring out where "home" is and who I want to be a part of my home. I am figuring out who I am as well. I am considering going sober for a bit to explore that part of my identity and heal certain parts of myself.

I feel like every year around my birthday I contemplate my existence. Do I matter? Am I making an impact? Who am I? And does life get better at some point? Our 20s tend to seem like an ever evolving shit show where no one has it figured out but I want nothing more than to have it figured out. Let's hope by the time I'm 24 at least a few wrinkles have been ironed out. Either that, or it'll be another round of my yearly existential crisis.