Becoming my own Source

Today I turned 20.

And I am embarking on a journey.

As someone who has always given every part of myself to others it was hard realizing that most people only look out for themselves.

I have been the therapist friend. I have been the person that everyone walks over (and I've let them because I did not want them to get upset if I told them no). I have been the forgotten friend who will move around my own schedule last minute to fit others needs when they finally remember my existence. I have been the girlfriend who constantly tries to give all my attention and love away.

I give everyone everything.

Trust me, I do not think it is a bad thing to try to help others. To be the therapist friend. The friend who is always there for everyone else. The girlfriend who tries to make things work.

But godddd when will it be my turn?? When will someone be my therapist friend? When will someone be willing to put everything aside for me?

It was difficult realizing that most people only look out for themselves. And I may never find someone who will be there for me like I am there for others. God it has been the hardest thing to realize and internalize and accept. I am still accepting it.

But there comes a point where you cannot be everybody's everything anymore.

I came to this breaking point when I realized I had been trying to please everyone in my life so hard, stressing myself out so much, that I physically became sick. For three weeks I was sick...I got an eye infection too on top of everything. I was just about to turn 20 and looked like I was already 30. I felt like I was being abused by the world and this was the aftermath.

But from this I realized I cannot continue on like this. I cannot continue to care about everyone else so fully. Giving my all and then some.

So I am embarking on a journey.

I am going to try to take the energy I give others and give it back to myself. I am going to try to truly learn self love. Maybe I won't go out every weekend anymore. Maybe I will start taking morning walks. Maybe I will finally adopt an actual skin care routine and start meditating. Maybe I will start reading books again. I have no clue what it will really entail. But it's my next journey and I will figure it out as I go.

So, today I turned 20. And it is crazy to think about how I am no longer a teenager. Moments like these always stick with me. I remember turning 10 and thinking I will never be a single digit age again, as if that really mattered so much. Then at 13 it struck me that I'll never be a kid again. I guess I am just sentimental like that. But this is just another shift in my life. And I've heard you're 20s are for you to "find yourself" or whatever. Perfect timing then is it not? Because I have not known who I am for sooooo long now. And it is about time I figure my shit out again. It is time that I take my energy back and become everything I dreamed of as a teenager. Hopefully my 20s will make teenage me proud. Hopefully my 20s are as iconic as I hope.