Lost

I do not know what happened honestly. Somewhere along the path of this past year I feel as though I lost myself.

As the kind of person who used to go out with friends every night and constantly crave adventure, this past year suffocated me. In this transitional period where we were all supposed to make tons of new friends in college, we didn't. Or at least I didn't. I guess I can say I made acquaintance friends but not the kind of friends you can call up in the middle of the night to go on an adventure with or a donut run or just to talk. Not the kind you can trust with anything. I left those friends in Texas and didn't find more. So I lost a huge part of myself as I had to contain my urges to find excitement in this place that was so foreign to me. And coming from a place where I had a comfortable social existence and friends and was never any center of drama, this year was a slap in the face. People just aren't nice. And they only really look out for themselves. And I hate to have to put myself in a position to have to defend myself for things I didn't do any wrong in. I lost part of myself obsessing over the idea of being hated and backstabbed by people who barely even knew me, if at all. It literally drove me to insanity. Feeling this isolated and having the world simultaneously take all your pleasures away from you is enough to drive anyone mad. I feel way more suffocated by the fact that historic events like Covid aren't just gonna stop at this rate. And because this is going to be the new way of life, how will I ever pursue my passion of traveling? This terrifies me. The idea that I won't be able to see the world and experience it. What is the point of life anymore if we can't enjoy anything? Cant make friends or go on proper dates. This world is so vast and yet so suffocating at the same time. And so I lost myself in this vast idea of the unknown future and shitty present. And what more could I add to this list? The fact that I also lost all hope in something I placed so much of my past in. I lost faith in a brand that had made me feel included in something and made me feel whole at the same time. I put so much effort and money into this brand only to never even be really seen in the end. This brand was one of the huge reasons I wanted to start my own clothing line. And now that I am no longer passionate about them its like I'm no longer passionate about my dream. Figuring this out was heartbreaking. What am I supposed to do with my future now? What will be my new dream? I just don't know where to start with life again. I feel as though I'm stuck in this endless cycle of miserable existence. I have no clue where the happiness, confidence and adventurous sense of self went.

I lost myself.