22 and Thriving?

I feel like it is quite normal to hate your birthday. Why is that? I feel like I used to enjoy my birthday when I was younger, but as I've grown up I can't seem to remember the last time I haven't cried on a birthday. The obligatory birthday cry right?!

I guess it's the fact that I've always put so much pressure on making it a good birthday. Maybe someday I'll learn to just go with the flow and have an easy going birthday. Something about this one day seems to turn into some kind of existential crisis. In all honesty, this year I had a whole identity crisis. Who am I? Who do I want to be? Is what I am doing now making me happy?

No.

I've realized recently that I lived up 21 exactly as I should've. I partied how I should've through college. Made impulsive life decisions. Lived broke and care-free in Europe. Did all the 21 year old things. At this point I guess I could even say I'm a club rat. And I don't regret a thing.

But there is something that has shifted in me as my birthday rolled around. There's a different air to 22. I realized I have a lot to work on. A lot of maturing to do. A lot more healing. I thought I did the bulk of my healing work in Europe, but boy was I wrong. I was only getting started.

So now as "hot girl summer" approaches I contemplate two very surprising turns in my life. No one could've seen them coming. Least of all me. I regret to inform all my friends that I may be ditching "hot girl summer". I mean we all know I basically did "hot girl spring". I sit here and contemplate going sober in two ways. Boy sober and alcohol sober.

Is this the end of my party era?? Sadly, I believe it may be the end for a little bit at least. I gotta prioritize my mental health and healing process. I don't want to wake up every weekend not remembering chunks of the previous night and feeling horrible. My big recent epiphany was that I am not a casual person. I feel too deeply and am a lover girl at heart. And I gotta be authentic to myself. I care deeply and cannot share energy in a casual way because I leave a piece of myself with every person I connect with. Recently I've given too many pieces away and must rebuild what I've lost. Learning to set boundaries is my first goal.

21 was a transformative year. I'd even say it was the year I got to just fuck off. Do what I wanted. It was everything it was supposed to be. 22 will be even better. I will grow. I will achieve my goals. I will make many beautiful and healthy memories. And I will love authentically. Here's to 22.